Dating Debacles

All of the following are truth without exaggeration and much of the reason why I am single and have no problem being so.

As previously mentioned, Stew and I officially ended our on-again-off-again relationship, if you can call it that, in January of this year (08). Since then, I've encountered the following prospects:

1. The Designer - actually went on a date with this guy. He seemed pretty cool when we talked online and on the phone, so I risked rape and murder and went to go grab some drinks (gladly not ruphied) at the local Applebee's. While on the date, Designer made it painstakingly clear that he was much more into clothes than myself. He confessed to just spending $200 on jeans. Translation when heard by myself: "I'm always going to look better than you, and make sure you know about it, and how much it costs to do so." (Not to mention the metro/borderline-gay tones this carries.) Strike 1. Also told me a delightful story about how loaded he is, and he's contributing to society by supporting his slacker friend who he secretly wants to kick out. But, of course, he cannot bear to as his friend is in dire need of a hand up, and he's really kind of happy to help. Translation: "I go a long ways to do things I don't really want to do, and I don't tell the people they involve that I'm unhappy. I'll probably do this in a relationship and blame you when the truth finally surfaces. Also, since I'm already complaining about this, just wait, there's a ton more to come." Strike 2. Then, last, but most certainly not least, Designer mentions he's proud owner of two cats. That's not even the end of it, the cats names? Foxy and Lacey. Translation: "I'm not confused at all about my sexuality, but I'm just going to flat out ignore my findings." Strikes 3-Infinity. About a week later, he'd asked me on a date which I was quick to say I had to work late. He then flipped out about how I was lying, as if this was going to draw me in, enamored by his charm.

2. The Med Student - this guy I dated for a few weeks, and even got a Valentine's day card from. I have a strong tendency to ignore red flags, and he's a classic example. People have a habit of telling secrets that should stay secrets after they start to trust someone. The Med Student was no exception. I'd ignored his chuckling at a dog toy the first time we'd went out. (He'd sent a picture text to his brother with the tag "heard you liked anal".) Strike 1. This was enough for me to hear, but not enough for me to stop dating him. Oh no, I'm a sucker for being disappointed. We were in Wal-Mart about two weeks later and tells me that when he was 23 (4 years ago) he dated a 17 year old stripper. It was in Texas, so it was legal. How sweet. Strike 2. The last night I saw Med Student was when I was over at his place. He was really needy (a trend you will soon see) and asked that I bring my 6 month old puppy to come play with his dog and then stay the night. My dog is a hyper little ass most of the time so I immediately had reservations. I'd fallen asleep on the couch and after about 2 am only to wake up to find him basically egging on his 80 lb Boxer to fight my 15 lb Pomeranian mix. He's so thoughtful. My dog hadn't been let out for about 5 hours and proceeded to literally piss himself. Med Student then sprays Windex on it to 'disinfect'. Did I mention he was in MED SCHOOL?????? As I mop up Windex (please note that it's after 2 am and I'm a grump when I don't get sleep), I notice that the paper towel is black with filth.

Me: "Um, I think you guys might want to get your carpets cleaned..."
Med Student: "It's not dirty, it's your dog's pee." (Much needed strike 3.)
Me: "Right. You're bound to be first in your class as most people know urine is STERILE when expelled from the body!"

About three minutes later, I get in another jab by calling his dog fat. I gather Niko, my things, and promptly exit. Med Student calls the next day to tell me that he never really wanted to like me to begin with and thinks he's falling in love. WTF. Where do I find these guys...?

3. The Chemical Manager - this one only really needed one strike, and you'll see why. We actually met through some friends, which would lead one to think that such events would have been prevented. Wrong.

Chem Manager: "How old are you?"
Me: "22, you?"
Chem Manager: "27."

A few days later, Chem Manager adds me on Myspace after numerous stories which kept me questioning my math skills, only for me to find I'm being added by a man who appears to be the guy I'm dating, only 5 years older. Strikes 1-3. Yeahhhhhh, if you're going to lie about your age, keep on lying. (The worst part - I dated him for a little while longer just hoping to get a confession about the lie. Conclusion: I'm the dumb ass.)

4. The Partier - this is my most recent fuck up, as I just broke up with him on Wednesday night. The Partier and I met at a bar and I was instantly infatuated. He was cute, funny, I liked his friends, basically everything that gets me to ignore the red flags that are to follow.

His Confessions (right off the bat, obviously ignored by myself):
a. 2 DUIs
b. Continues to dabble in illegal drug use. (I don't care what you do, but I don't like dating those who illegally, not to mention expensively, alter their state of consciousness, especially with cocaine.)
c. He lives with his parents. At 23. And he's never been in college for more than 6 months, and that was only once. (Once more, do not care what you do. This tid bit is for foreshadowing purposes.)

His Later Confessions (not so easily ignored):
a. Had warrant out for his arrest. Suspects warrant may be out for his arrest at current time as he has not checked in with parole officer in... well a very long time.
b. Credit so bad, he was denied by a bank. Yeah, that's right, a bank. How did he find this out? He tried to give the bank money, and they denied it saying it didn't touch how much he owed. I was floored banks even did that. (This is the reason he was living with his parents. He WISHES he had no money.)
c. Not so much as a confession, but an obvious lie - I had not seen him go to work for 8 days and he continued to claim that his place of employment was calling him off. As he complained every five seconds about the job, it wasn't hard to put the pieces together. He'd quit his job and didn't really feel like getting his ass off of my couch. When confronted, he commented that I had just received my refund check from my school. Translation - "I-I-I, I thought you were going to, like, support me?" - (revisted Dec 21st to say that yeah, I saw that paycheck, I was right.)

Confessions, all 6, leave me to declare Partier one of the bigger wastes of spaces I've dated in my 23 short years. Strikes 1-infinity.

Dedicated to Higgy & His Lover.