Courtney Love, My Former Roommate

When I came up to OSU my freshman year, I had a boyfriend who was in a fraternity and everything looked just peachy. Well, inspired by his plethora o' friends, I decided that a sorority was definitely for me. Yeah, fraternities work, sororities do not. Guys can handle each other.

After living in the sorority house a year, I decided that I would not turn in my lease for the upcoming year, but instead live with some known alcoholics of the sorority - the rich bitches. My thoughts: it'll be fun! I'm deluded.

We move in to a 5 bedroom townhouse in early September 2006. I'm sharing a room w/Australia, Courtney Love is sharing a room with Shadow. Now we have 7 living in a place that would barely, after all of that estrogen, hold 3. But think about how much we're going to save on rent! *Two thumbs up!*

THE INITIAL OFFENSE
Night One:
I'm on the phone with Stew downstairs on the couch to get some privacy from Australia. Courtney and Shadow are drunk (they just bought a case of wine), and Courtney drifts over to the fridge. I'm on the phone for about an hour, and the better part of that the fridge door is open. Whatever, I won't complain about electricity waste... yet. I hang up the phone and trot back upstairs happily thinking of how much I love the new place.

Following Day:
I head to the fridge before work to grab some lunch - the only thing I have is a loaf of bread (Oatnut - the best EVER) and some bologna. My findings: 1/4 of original loaf, still looks like it was chewed up by a German Shepherd, and two torn up slices of bologna. I do some thinking, and put two and two together. I tell Courtney she owes me the food she scarfed down.

Two Days Later:
I get a pack of ham and a loaf of French bread.

THE MICHIGAN GAME
I'll make it short: the night before the game they held a party and Courtney called me Jewish for not paying for the keg. I don't drink beer, and I didn't know about the party until the day of so, none of my friends would be coming to drink any beer either. I spent the night at a bar down the street while drunks peed all over the bathroom that Australia and I share... and clean... Please note I was with Australia at the bar... UGHHHHHHHHH!

On game day, Courtney is blackout drunk and her Shadow is dying laughing. Courtney tries to cut a Michigan fan's hair, then another fan's shirt actually off of his body. My more responsible, but also arguably blind roommate reprimands Courtney. This sets the banshee off screaming and disgusted, so she finds the first thing that would annoy EVERYONE: a Subway sandwich. She takes delightful sandwich and smears it (ketchup, mustard, banana peppers and all) on our dining room wall. Game takes priority to our deposit and everyone leaves. I find it hours later and die a lot inside. The 'gang' gets back and one of the drops some grass on the floor. Shadow shouts something about the mess and I tell her to fuck off, we have edible food plastered on a white wall. This shuts the bitch up. When we left, our wall was still multicolored from the stain. How we got $$ back, I'll never know.

THE WATER BILL
This could be my favorite story. Courtney, somehow, was deemed responsible enough to pay the water bill every month for us. She would tell us how much our part was, then we would give her cash and she would write a check. Nine months into our lease, we get a notice of eviction. Why you may ask? Oh, because DUMB ASS WAS WRITING BAD CHECKS FOR NINE MONTHS!!! I was absolutely fuming. Absolutely PISSED. I couldn't even look at her. The responsible one talked to her to get down to the bottom of why we owed about $2k. Courtney, at the age of 24, honestly believed that checks were similar to credit cards in that the money didn't have to be there for recipient to receive funds.

OCCASIONAL HAPPENINGS
Naked drunk: every once in a while, Courtney would get so drunk she would strip naked and either get in the shower for hours, or just lay there screaming. In any room. Including other's rooms.

Pooping: because her and her Shadow were SUCH great friends, they wouldn't poop in their bathroom which would risk the offense of the other. There were two other bathrooms to poop in, and it made it even better that they didn't clean them. The upstairs (where I so happily resided) constantly smelled... well, just plain disgusting.

Food: if the first experience was any indication, Courtney continued to take others' food. Even recruited two others to join in. The four responsible kids basically fed these leaches. I had to buy a mini fridge and storage containers for all of my food to be kept in my room.

Her Jobs: she had received and quit/got fired for all five jobs. She would not go in, or drink on the job more often than not. She was a hire-as-need babysitter (well, not really, she just pretended to be Shadow and went in under a false name) which drank the parent's alcohol after kids went to bed. I reported her. :)

Ohhhhh yes, these people are real. Real and could even be your fuckin roommate before you find out they even existed in the first place. I might not learn from my mistakes, but you probably should.