Okay, so I was at Target today and a little episode I luckily witnessed inspired this post. Also, I find it conveniently timed near the holidays, especially considering our economic crisis and blah blah blah...
I'm walking out of the store with my incredibly exciting toaster oven when I hear this mother yelling at her 4 year old that her behavior is 'unacceptable' and she's 'tired of this shit'. I'm intrigued, of course, so I stare like the rest of the trailer trash nearby. Yeah, the kid was (most likely accidentally) swiping a copy of Tinkerbell on DVD. Kid read my mind... Really looks like award-quality work, there.
The incident reminded me of my childhood. Yeah, I know, sad already. But on many occasions, when I was little I didn't have any money, but I felt my mom needed a gift for her sacrifices made as a mother. Soooo, my little ingenious self decided it was a risk I was ready to take. Either we would shoplift her a gift, or she would just have to unknowingly buy it for herself. She deserved it, right? For mother's day one year she received a lovely hanging planter by surprise, and for her birthday one year I made her a card at one of those custom card stands. She did actually find out about that before the checkout... She didn't find it so sincere. Another time she unknowingly purchased a few bags of her favorite candy for Christmas. She was delighted on Christmas morning and puzzled at my resourcefulness. I think this is a lovely idea for those stressing out about finances near the holidays. Just go shopping with someone a little more 'secure' than yourself, and hope to God they (or the cashier for that matter) don't realize their extra item/s. :)
P.S. - Let's not let this one get back to Momma M. I'm 23, but it really doesn't matter...
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Another Annoyance for Mom
Okay, so it's been a little while since the last post, and I'm sad to say this one won't be very long, but things have been kind of busy (or would have been if I hadn't procrastinated...). Anyways, as the blog URL is about disappointing my mother, this site would be lacking without talking about my mom's biggest frustration: 
Niko. See below. Niko's been in the world of Megan since October 3, 2007. I don't think I told my mom about my little addition to the family for about 2 weeks. That's huge. I tell my mom just about everything. Why wouldn't I? She's stuck with me through just about everything so why not...
When I finally let the news spill she was silent. She came up to meet him two weeks later. Sure, he's plenty o' cute. But he's pretty bad... Yeah he peed on the floor and I'm pretty sure he pooped on the steps for her too. Quite the performer...
I brought him home a few weeks later for Thanksgiving. Yeah... That didn't go over very well. He playingly (I swear) attacked my mom's terrier which ended up poorly as you can imagine, and then the cat viciously attacked him. The cat literally scared the shit out of Niko, right onto the floor. Niko's not exactly welcome back.
This past weekend I was home with the dog and waiting to drop him off at the kennel. We were talking about all of the strides Niko had made in the past year as far as behaving himself in the house. As my mom walks out the door, the cat flies up the stairs from the basement and once more attacks the shit out of my dog right onto the kitchen floor. Poor lil guy's secured his place at the kennel for the holidays for sure...
Niko. See below. Niko's been in the world of Megan since October 3, 2007. I don't think I told my mom about my little addition to the family for about 2 weeks. That's huge. I tell my mom just about everything. Why wouldn't I? She's stuck with me through just about everything so why not...When I finally let the news spill she was silent. She came up to meet him two weeks later. Sure, he's plenty o' cute. But he's pretty bad... Yeah he peed on the floor and I'm pretty sure he pooped on the steps for her too. Quite the performer...
I brought him home a few weeks later for Thanksgiving. Yeah... That didn't go over very well. He playingly (I swear) attacked my mom's terrier which ended up poorly as you can imagine, and then the cat viciously attacked him. The cat literally scared the shit out of Niko, right onto the floor. Niko's not exactly welcome back.
This past weekend I was home with the dog and waiting to drop him off at the kennel. We were talking about all of the strides Niko had made in the past year as far as behaving himself in the house. As my mom walks out the door, the cat flies up the stairs from the basement and once more attacks the shit out of my dog right onto the kitchen floor. Poor lil guy's secured his place at the kennel for the holidays for sure...
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
100 Proof Vodka & High School Friends
One weekend when I was a frosh back in the dorms, two of my friends from high school came up to visit. Since my best guy friend lived in my dorm with me, as well as my current boyfriend, it was going to be a pretty sweet night out on campus.
None of us were unfamiliar with drinking, nor drinking with liquor, so we did not hesitate at all to start pounding shots with Wreck's (the best guy friend) Absolut. My boy even pulled out some Kool-Aid mix to make the bite less harsh. Great idea.
By the time we left about an hour and a half later, the bottle (a handle, at that) was gone.
We walk about 8 blocks and I'm trying to point out my sorority house, but I can't make out which house it is (there were only about 5 to pick from, 5 very large houses with huge greek letters on the side - not a tough task).
We finally get to the party, which was probably about another 6 blocks away. As soon as we got there, the girls and I are dying to pee so we run upstairs to the bathroom. I'm absolutely appalled that there is only one toilet and decide the proper punishment for such a house would be to pee in the sink. Classy, I know.
We go back downstairs, Jo runs off to drink with her 'boys' while I suppose the rest of us were just obnoxious (I can't imagine I went back to classy, just being realistic). After a little while (no idea how long), Jo comes back to mingle with the original friends and she passes out in Min & Wreck's arms. While they are cracking up about how her head can be smashed off of the sidewalk without any disagreement from her, I'm busy telling my boy how tired I am and I pass out on the neighbor's air conditioning unit. This prompts the three more responsible drinkers to find a ride back to our dorm to take us two idiots back.
I wake up towards the end of the car ride, and decide I've had enough of these shenanigans, I'm peacing out. I open the door, to the moving vehicle, and somehow make it out without killing myself. Luckily, we were at the corner where my dorm was located, so I didn't have far to crawl. I make it off of the sidewalk and decide a nap is in order. The rest of the crew reluctantly scrapes me up off of the ground and argues me into the dorm where they begin recruiting help to transport Jo and myself to the third floor. One of the few people in the dorm that I felt genuinely disliked me volunteered to help me to my bed. I was slightly more agreeable at this point, but still not beyond acting like a complete ass.
In the elevator, I go limp (obviously tired as I did not get my much needed nap in the lawn). I continue this fun act until I get right in front of my RA's door. That's when I deem it wildly uncomfortable in my jeans and tank top (no bra, mind you) and discard both items in lightning speed. This leaves me stumbling to my room practically in just underwear. In a thong. In front of a crowd of people that have been enjoying the show with clothes on. This is a girl who has never even heard of the word class.
They get me into the bed, and Brooks, my volunteer angel, tucks me and Jo in while the other three do God knows what. (I'd like to believe they went out and had fun, but I know they did not since I still hear complaints 4 years later.) I wake up about 3 hours later to find my boy watching How to Lose a Guy, so I leave to much on pretzels and laugh at a ridiculous loudness for morning hours in the hall. I'm still wasted and will not hear of why I have no clothes on. I'm convinced that my boy just tried to get with me and will not hear of any stripping.
The next morning, I get up in a great mood and head downstairs with the gang to eat breakfast in the commons. We're laughing about the fun times of the night before - Jo going shot for shot with a guy two times her size, her puking down her shirt, me screaming about my name brand pillows being offered to my drunk friend, us catching a ride from a coke head, you know, the usual. Brooks walks up and says he's shocked to see me at the table, he's sure I'd be dead to the world for days. He also comments on what a polite drunk I am. I was so kind as to even let him know when I needed to yak. How charming. And where the hell was my boyfriend when all of this was going on?!?!
Anyways, I love my friends. Anyone who can not abandon me after stunts like that is A-OK in my book. They even pulled pepperoni out of Jo's bra from the pizza she puked up. They haven't come back to party yet... But I think the feeling's mutual.
None of us were unfamiliar with drinking, nor drinking with liquor, so we did not hesitate at all to start pounding shots with Wreck's (the best guy friend) Absolut. My boy even pulled out some Kool-Aid mix to make the bite less harsh. Great idea.
By the time we left about an hour and a half later, the bottle (a handle, at that) was gone.
We walk about 8 blocks and I'm trying to point out my sorority house, but I can't make out which house it is (there were only about 5 to pick from, 5 very large houses with huge greek letters on the side - not a tough task).
We finally get to the party, which was probably about another 6 blocks away. As soon as we got there, the girls and I are dying to pee so we run upstairs to the bathroom. I'm absolutely appalled that there is only one toilet and decide the proper punishment for such a house would be to pee in the sink. Classy, I know.
We go back downstairs, Jo runs off to drink with her 'boys' while I suppose the rest of us were just obnoxious (I can't imagine I went back to classy, just being realistic). After a little while (no idea how long), Jo comes back to mingle with the original friends and she passes out in Min & Wreck's arms. While they are cracking up about how her head can be smashed off of the sidewalk without any disagreement from her, I'm busy telling my boy how tired I am and I pass out on the neighbor's air conditioning unit. This prompts the three more responsible drinkers to find a ride back to our dorm to take us two idiots back.
I wake up towards the end of the car ride, and decide I've had enough of these shenanigans, I'm peacing out. I open the door, to the moving vehicle, and somehow make it out without killing myself. Luckily, we were at the corner where my dorm was located, so I didn't have far to crawl. I make it off of the sidewalk and decide a nap is in order. The rest of the crew reluctantly scrapes me up off of the ground and argues me into the dorm where they begin recruiting help to transport Jo and myself to the third floor. One of the few people in the dorm that I felt genuinely disliked me volunteered to help me to my bed. I was slightly more agreeable at this point, but still not beyond acting like a complete ass.
In the elevator, I go limp (obviously tired as I did not get my much needed nap in the lawn). I continue this fun act until I get right in front of my RA's door. That's when I deem it wildly uncomfortable in my jeans and tank top (no bra, mind you) and discard both items in lightning speed. This leaves me stumbling to my room practically in just underwear. In a thong. In front of a crowd of people that have been enjoying the show with clothes on. This is a girl who has never even heard of the word class.
They get me into the bed, and Brooks, my volunteer angel, tucks me and Jo in while the other three do God knows what. (I'd like to believe they went out and had fun, but I know they did not since I still hear complaints 4 years later.) I wake up about 3 hours later to find my boy watching How to Lose a Guy, so I leave to much on pretzels and laugh at a ridiculous loudness for morning hours in the hall. I'm still wasted and will not hear of why I have no clothes on. I'm convinced that my boy just tried to get with me and will not hear of any stripping.
The next morning, I get up in a great mood and head downstairs with the gang to eat breakfast in the commons. We're laughing about the fun times of the night before - Jo going shot for shot with a guy two times her size, her puking down her shirt, me screaming about my name brand pillows being offered to my drunk friend, us catching a ride from a coke head, you know, the usual. Brooks walks up and says he's shocked to see me at the table, he's sure I'd be dead to the world for days. He also comments on what a polite drunk I am. I was so kind as to even let him know when I needed to yak. How charming. And where the hell was my boyfriend when all of this was going on?!?!
Anyways, I love my friends. Anyone who can not abandon me after stunts like that is A-OK in my book. They even pulled pepperoni out of Jo's bra from the pizza she puked up. They haven't come back to party yet... But I think the feeling's mutual.
Courtney Love, My Former Roommate
When I came up to OSU my freshman year, I had a boyfriend who was in a fraternity and everything looked just peachy. Well, inspired by his plethora o' friends, I decided that a sorority was definitely for me. Yeah, fraternities work, sororities do not. Guys can handle each other.
After living in the sorority house a year, I decided that I would not turn in my lease for the upcoming year, but instead live with some known alcoholics of the sorority - the rich bitches. My thoughts: it'll be fun! I'm deluded.
We move in to a 5 bedroom townhouse in early September 2006. I'm sharing a room w/Australia, Courtney Love is sharing a room with Shadow. Now we have 7 living in a place that would barely, after all of that estrogen, hold 3. But think about how much we're going to save on rent! *Two thumbs up!*
THE INITIAL OFFENSE
Night One:
I'm on the phone with Stew downstairs on the couch to get some privacy from Australia. Courtney and Shadow are drunk (they just bought a case of wine), and Courtney drifts over to the fridge. I'm on the phone for about an hour, and the better part of that the fridge door is open. Whatever, I won't complain about electricity waste... yet. I hang up the phone and trot back upstairs happily thinking of how much I love the new place.
Following Day:
I head to the fridge before work to grab some lunch - the only thing I have is a loaf of bread (Oatnut - the best EVER) and some bologna. My findings: 1/4 of original loaf, still looks like it was chewed up by a German Shepherd, and two torn up slices of bologna. I do some thinking, and put two and two together. I tell Courtney she owes me the food she scarfed down.
Two Days Later:
I get a pack of ham and a loaf of French bread.
THE MICHIGAN GAME
I'll make it short: the night before the game they held a party and Courtney called me Jewish for not paying for the keg. I don't drink beer, and I didn't know about the party until the day of so, none of my friends would be coming to drink any beer either. I spent the night at a bar down the street while drunks peed all over the bathroom that Australia and I share... and clean... Please note I was with Australia at the bar... UGHHHHHHHHH!
On game day, Courtney is blackout drunk and her Shadow is dying laughing. Courtney tries to cut a Michigan fan's hair, then another fan's shirt actually off of his body. My more responsible, but also arguably blind roommate reprimands Courtney. This sets the banshee off screaming and disgusted, so she finds the first thing that would annoy EVERYONE: a Subway sandwich. She takes delightful sandwich and smears it (ketchup, mustard, banana peppers and all) on our dining room wall. Game takes priority to our deposit and everyone leaves. I find it hours later and die a lot inside. The 'gang' gets back and one of the drops some grass on the floor. Shadow shouts something about the mess and I tell her to fuck off, we have edible food plastered on a white wall. This shuts the bitch up. When we left, our wall was still multicolored from the stain. How we got $$ back, I'll never know.
THE WATER BILL
This could be my favorite story. Courtney, somehow, was deemed responsible enough to pay the water bill every month for us. She would tell us how much our part was, then we would give her cash and she would write a check. Nine months into our lease, we get a notice of eviction. Why you may ask? Oh, because DUMB ASS WAS WRITING BAD CHECKS FOR NINE MONTHS!!! I was absolutely fuming. Absolutely PISSED. I couldn't even look at her. The responsible one talked to her to get down to the bottom of why we owed about $2k. Courtney, at the age of 24, honestly believed that checks were similar to credit cards in that the money didn't have to be there for recipient to receive funds.
OCCASIONAL HAPPENINGS
Naked drunk: every once in a while, Courtney would get so drunk she would strip naked and either get in the shower for hours, or just lay there screaming. In any room. Including other's rooms.
Pooping: because her and her Shadow were SUCH great friends, they wouldn't poop in their bathroom which would risk the offense of the other. There were two other bathrooms to poop in, and it made it even better that they didn't clean them. The upstairs (where I so happily resided) constantly smelled... well, just plain disgusting.
Food: if the first experience was any indication, Courtney continued to take others' food. Even recruited two others to join in. The four responsible kids basically fed these leaches. I had to buy a mini fridge and storage containers for all of my food to be kept in my room.
Her Jobs: she had received and quit/got fired for all five jobs. She would not go in, or drink on the job more often than not. She was a hire-as-need babysitter (well, not really, she just pretended to be Shadow and went in under a false name) which drank the parent's alcohol after kids went to bed. I reported her. :)
Ohhhhh yes, these people are real. Real and could even be your fuckin roommate before you find out they even existed in the first place. I might not learn from my mistakes, but you probably should.
After living in the sorority house a year, I decided that I would not turn in my lease for the upcoming year, but instead live with some known alcoholics of the sorority - the rich bitches. My thoughts: it'll be fun! I'm deluded.
We move in to a 5 bedroom townhouse in early September 2006. I'm sharing a room w/Australia, Courtney Love is sharing a room with Shadow. Now we have 7 living in a place that would barely, after all of that estrogen, hold 3. But think about how much we're going to save on rent! *Two thumbs up!*
THE INITIAL OFFENSE
Night One:
I'm on the phone with Stew downstairs on the couch to get some privacy from Australia. Courtney and Shadow are drunk (they just bought a case of wine), and Courtney drifts over to the fridge. I'm on the phone for about an hour, and the better part of that the fridge door is open. Whatever, I won't complain about electricity waste... yet. I hang up the phone and trot back upstairs happily thinking of how much I love the new place.
Following Day:
I head to the fridge before work to grab some lunch - the only thing I have is a loaf of bread (Oatnut - the best EVER) and some bologna. My findings: 1/4 of original loaf, still looks like it was chewed up by a German Shepherd, and two torn up slices of bologna. I do some thinking, and put two and two together. I tell Courtney she owes me the food she scarfed down.
Two Days Later:
I get a pack of ham and a loaf of French bread.
THE MICHIGAN GAME
I'll make it short: the night before the game they held a party and Courtney called me Jewish for not paying for the keg. I don't drink beer, and I didn't know about the party until the day of so, none of my friends would be coming to drink any beer either. I spent the night at a bar down the street while drunks peed all over the bathroom that Australia and I share... and clean... Please note I was with Australia at the bar... UGHHHHHHHHH!
On game day, Courtney is blackout drunk and her Shadow is dying laughing. Courtney tries to cut a Michigan fan's hair, then another fan's shirt actually off of his body. My more responsible, but also arguably blind roommate reprimands Courtney. This sets the banshee off screaming and disgusted, so she finds the first thing that would annoy EVERYONE: a Subway sandwich. She takes delightful sandwich and smears it (ketchup, mustard, banana peppers and all) on our dining room wall. Game takes priority to our deposit and everyone leaves. I find it hours later and die a lot inside. The 'gang' gets back and one of the drops some grass on the floor. Shadow shouts something about the mess and I tell her to fuck off, we have edible food plastered on a white wall. This shuts the bitch up. When we left, our wall was still multicolored from the stain. How we got $$ back, I'll never know.
THE WATER BILL
This could be my favorite story. Courtney, somehow, was deemed responsible enough to pay the water bill every month for us. She would tell us how much our part was, then we would give her cash and she would write a check. Nine months into our lease, we get a notice of eviction. Why you may ask? Oh, because DUMB ASS WAS WRITING BAD CHECKS FOR NINE MONTHS!!! I was absolutely fuming. Absolutely PISSED. I couldn't even look at her. The responsible one talked to her to get down to the bottom of why we owed about $2k. Courtney, at the age of 24, honestly believed that checks were similar to credit cards in that the money didn't have to be there for recipient to receive funds.
OCCASIONAL HAPPENINGS
Naked drunk: every once in a while, Courtney would get so drunk she would strip naked and either get in the shower for hours, or just lay there screaming. In any room. Including other's rooms.
Pooping: because her and her Shadow were SUCH great friends, they wouldn't poop in their bathroom which would risk the offense of the other. There were two other bathrooms to poop in, and it made it even better that they didn't clean them. The upstairs (where I so happily resided) constantly smelled... well, just plain disgusting.
Food: if the first experience was any indication, Courtney continued to take others' food. Even recruited two others to join in. The four responsible kids basically fed these leaches. I had to buy a mini fridge and storage containers for all of my food to be kept in my room.
Her Jobs: she had received and quit/got fired for all five jobs. She would not go in, or drink on the job more often than not. She was a hire-as-need babysitter (well, not really, she just pretended to be Shadow and went in under a false name) which drank the parent's alcohol after kids went to bed. I reported her. :)
Ohhhhh yes, these people are real. Real and could even be your fuckin roommate before you find out they even existed in the first place. I might not learn from my mistakes, but you probably should.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Dating Debacles
All of the following are truth without exaggeration and much of the reason why I am single and have no problem being so.
As previously mentioned, Stew and I officially ended our on-again-off-again relationship, if you can call it that, in January of this year (08). Since then, I've encountered the following prospects:
1. The Designer - actually went on a date with this guy. He seemed pretty cool when we talked online and on the phone, so I risked rape and murder and went to go grab some drinks (gladly not ruphied) at the local Applebee's. While on the date, Designer made it painstakingly clear that he was much more into clothes than myself. He confessed to just spending $200 on jeans. Translation when heard by myself: "I'm always going to look better than you, and make sure you know about it, and how much it costs to do so." (Not to mention the metro/borderline-gay tones this carries.) Strike 1. Also told me a delightful story about how loaded he is, and he's contributing to society by supporting his slacker friend who he secretly wants to kick out. But, of course, he cannot bear to as his friend is in dire need of a hand up, and he's really kind of happy to help. Translation: "I go a long ways to do things I don't really want to do, and I don't tell the people they involve that I'm unhappy. I'll probably do this in a relationship and blame you when the truth finally surfaces. Also, since I'm already complaining about this, just wait, there's a ton more to come." Strike 2. Then, last, but most certainly not least, Designer mentions he's proud owner of two cats. That's not even the end of it, the cats names? Foxy and Lacey. Translation: "I'm not confused at all about my sexuality, but I'm just going to flat out ignore my findings." Strikes 3-Infinity. About a week later, he'd asked me on a date which I was quick to say I had to work late. He then flipped out about how I was lying, as if this was going to draw me in, enamored by his charm.
2. The Med Student - this guy I dated for a few weeks, and even got a Valentine's day card from. I have a strong tendency to ignore red flags, and he's a classic example. People have a habit of telling secrets that should stay secrets after they start to trust someone. The Med Student was no exception. I'd ignored his chuckling at a dog toy the first time we'd went out. (He'd sent a picture text to his brother with the tag "heard you liked anal".) Strike 1. This was enough for me to hear, but not enough for me to stop dating him. Oh no, I'm a sucker for being disappointed. We were in Wal-Mart about two weeks later and tells me that when he was 23 (4 years ago) he dated a 17 year old stripper. It was in Texas, so it was legal. How sweet. Strike 2. The last night I saw Med Student was when I was over at his place. He was really needy (a trend you will soon see) and asked that I bring my 6 month old puppy to come play with his dog and then stay the night. My dog is a hyper little ass most of the time so I immediately had reservations. I'd fallen asleep on the couch and after about 2 am only to wake up to find him basically egging on his 80 lb Boxer to fight my 15 lb Pomeranian mix. He's so thoughtful. My dog hadn't been let out for about 5 hours and proceeded to literally piss himself. Med Student then sprays Windex on it to 'disinfect'. Did I mention he was in MED SCHOOL?????? As I mop up Windex (please note that it's after 2 am and I'm a grump when I don't get sleep), I notice that the paper towel is black with filth.
Me: "Um, I think you guys might want to get your carpets cleaned..."
Med Student: "It's not dirty, it's your dog's pee." (Much needed strike 3.)
Me: "Right. You're bound to be first in your class as most people know urine is STERILE when expelled from the body!"
About three minutes later, I get in another jab by calling his dog fat. I gather Niko, my things, and promptly exit. Med Student calls the next day to tell me that he never really wanted to like me to begin with and thinks he's falling in love. WTF. Where do I find these guys...?
3. The Chemical Manager - this one only really needed one strike, and you'll see why. We actually met through some friends, which would lead one to think that such events would have been prevented. Wrong.
Chem Manager: "How old are you?"
Me: "22, you?"
Chem Manager: "27."
A few days later, Chem Manager adds me on Myspace after numerous stories which kept me questioning my math skills, only for me to find I'm being added by a man who appears to be the guy I'm dating, only 5 years older. Strikes 1-3. Yeahhhhhh, if you're going to lie about your age, keep on lying. (The worst part - I dated him for a little while longer just hoping to get a confession about the lie. Conclusion: I'm the dumb ass.)
4. The Partier - this is my most recent fuck up, as I just broke up with him on Wednesday night. The Partier and I met at a bar and I was instantly infatuated. He was cute, funny, I liked his friends, basically everything that gets me to ignore the red flags that are to follow.
His Confessions (right off the bat, obviously ignored by myself):
a. 2 DUIs
b. Continues to dabble in illegal drug use. (I don't care what you do, but I don't like dating those who illegally, not to mention expensively, alter their state of consciousness, especially with cocaine.)
c. He lives with his parents. At 23. And he's never been in college for more than 6 months, and that was only once. (Once more, do not care what you do. This tid bit is for foreshadowing purposes.)
His Later Confessions (not so easily ignored):
a. Had warrant out for his arrest. Suspects warrant may be out for his arrest at current time as he has not checked in with parole officer in... well a very long time.
b. Credit so bad, he was denied by a bank. Yeah, that's right, a bank. How did he find this out? He tried to give the bank money, and they denied it saying it didn't touch how much he owed. I was floored banks even did that. (This is the reason he was living with his parents. He WISHES he had no money.)
c. Not so much as a confession, but an obvious lie - I had not seen him go to work for 8 days and he continued to claim that his place of employment was calling him off. As he complained every five seconds about the job, it wasn't hard to put the pieces together. He'd quit his job and didn't really feel like getting his ass off of my couch. When confronted, he commented that I had just received my refund check from my school. Translation - "I-I-I, I thought you were going to, like, support me?" - (revisted Dec 21st to say that yeah, I saw that paycheck, I was right.)
Confessions, all 6, leave me to declare Partier one of the bigger wastes of spaces I've dated in my 23 short years. Strikes 1-infinity.
Dedicated to Higgy & His Lover.
As previously mentioned, Stew and I officially ended our on-again-off-again relationship, if you can call it that, in January of this year (08). Since then, I've encountered the following prospects:
1. The Designer - actually went on a date with this guy. He seemed pretty cool when we talked online and on the phone, so I risked rape and murder and went to go grab some drinks (gladly not ruphied) at the local Applebee's. While on the date, Designer made it painstakingly clear that he was much more into clothes than myself. He confessed to just spending $200 on jeans. Translation when heard by myself: "I'm always going to look better than you, and make sure you know about it, and how much it costs to do so." (Not to mention the metro/borderline-gay tones this carries.) Strike 1. Also told me a delightful story about how loaded he is, and he's contributing to society by supporting his slacker friend who he secretly wants to kick out. But, of course, he cannot bear to as his friend is in dire need of a hand up, and he's really kind of happy to help. Translation: "I go a long ways to do things I don't really want to do, and I don't tell the people they involve that I'm unhappy. I'll probably do this in a relationship and blame you when the truth finally surfaces. Also, since I'm already complaining about this, just wait, there's a ton more to come." Strike 2. Then, last, but most certainly not least, Designer mentions he's proud owner of two cats. That's not even the end of it, the cats names? Foxy and Lacey. Translation: "I'm not confused at all about my sexuality, but I'm just going to flat out ignore my findings." Strikes 3-Infinity. About a week later, he'd asked me on a date which I was quick to say I had to work late. He then flipped out about how I was lying, as if this was going to draw me in, enamored by his charm.
2. The Med Student - this guy I dated for a few weeks, and even got a Valentine's day card from. I have a strong tendency to ignore red flags, and he's a classic example. People have a habit of telling secrets that should stay secrets after they start to trust someone. The Med Student was no exception. I'd ignored his chuckling at a dog toy the first time we'd went out. (He'd sent a picture text to his brother with the tag "heard you liked anal".) Strike 1. This was enough for me to hear, but not enough for me to stop dating him. Oh no, I'm a sucker for being disappointed. We were in Wal-Mart about two weeks later and tells me that when he was 23 (4 years ago) he dated a 17 year old stripper. It was in Texas, so it was legal. How sweet. Strike 2. The last night I saw Med Student was when I was over at his place. He was really needy (a trend you will soon see) and asked that I bring my 6 month old puppy to come play with his dog and then stay the night. My dog is a hyper little ass most of the time so I immediately had reservations. I'd fallen asleep on the couch and after about 2 am only to wake up to find him basically egging on his 80 lb Boxer to fight my 15 lb Pomeranian mix. He's so thoughtful. My dog hadn't been let out for about 5 hours and proceeded to literally piss himself. Med Student then sprays Windex on it to 'disinfect'. Did I mention he was in MED SCHOOL?????? As I mop up Windex (please note that it's after 2 am and I'm a grump when I don't get sleep), I notice that the paper towel is black with filth.
Me: "Um, I think you guys might want to get your carpets cleaned..."
Med Student: "It's not dirty, it's your dog's pee." (Much needed strike 3.)
Me: "Right. You're bound to be first in your class as most people know urine is STERILE when expelled from the body!"
About three minutes later, I get in another jab by calling his dog fat. I gather Niko, my things, and promptly exit. Med Student calls the next day to tell me that he never really wanted to like me to begin with and thinks he's falling in love. WTF. Where do I find these guys...?
3. The Chemical Manager - this one only really needed one strike, and you'll see why. We actually met through some friends, which would lead one to think that such events would have been prevented. Wrong.
Chem Manager: "How old are you?"
Me: "22, you?"
Chem Manager: "27."
A few days later, Chem Manager adds me on Myspace after numerous stories which kept me questioning my math skills, only for me to find I'm being added by a man who appears to be the guy I'm dating, only 5 years older. Strikes 1-3. Yeahhhhhh, if you're going to lie about your age, keep on lying. (The worst part - I dated him for a little while longer just hoping to get a confession about the lie. Conclusion: I'm the dumb ass.)
4. The Partier - this is my most recent fuck up, as I just broke up with him on Wednesday night. The Partier and I met at a bar and I was instantly infatuated. He was cute, funny, I liked his friends, basically everything that gets me to ignore the red flags that are to follow.
His Confessions (right off the bat, obviously ignored by myself):
a. 2 DUIs
b. Continues to dabble in illegal drug use. (I don't care what you do, but I don't like dating those who illegally, not to mention expensively, alter their state of consciousness, especially with cocaine.)
c. He lives with his parents. At 23. And he's never been in college for more than 6 months, and that was only once. (Once more, do not care what you do. This tid bit is for foreshadowing purposes.)
His Later Confessions (not so easily ignored):
a. Had warrant out for his arrest. Suspects warrant may be out for his arrest at current time as he has not checked in with parole officer in... well a very long time.
b. Credit so bad, he was denied by a bank. Yeah, that's right, a bank. How did he find this out? He tried to give the bank money, and they denied it saying it didn't touch how much he owed. I was floored banks even did that. (This is the reason he was living with his parents. He WISHES he had no money.)
c. Not so much as a confession, but an obvious lie - I had not seen him go to work for 8 days and he continued to claim that his place of employment was calling him off. As he complained every five seconds about the job, it wasn't hard to put the pieces together. He'd quit his job and didn't really feel like getting his ass off of my couch. When confronted, he commented that I had just received my refund check from my school. Translation - "I-I-I, I thought you were going to, like, support me?" - (revisted Dec 21st to say that yeah, I saw that paycheck, I was right.)
Confessions, all 6, leave me to declare Partier one of the bigger wastes of spaces I've dated in my 23 short years. Strikes 1-infinity.
Dedicated to Higgy & His Lover.
All's Fair
Let me start by explaining the background story:
I am from small-town-USA. We didn't even have a stop light in the town I lived in during high school, and our high school was made up of 42 similar towns. Despite the consolidation, I still graduated with only about 120 kids. Booming metropolis, obvi.
Two of the kids I graduated with, who never dated in high school (most would go so far say they strongly disliked each other), recently got engaged and decided to follow through with a marriage. The bride-elect was my best friend from high school and asked that I be a bridesmaid. This was what I spent my last weekend (also my birthday) doing.
Also notable that I NEVER go home to visit. Ever. It's not that I think I'm too good because I moved away, I'm clearly not too stuck up if I go and create a blog named "How to Disappoint Mom". The truth? I never really fit in. I sure as hell tried though... Yikes. ANYways......
Enough with the background and on to my fun birthday!
I'm at the reception for about 30 minutes, just got done eating when I see a fellow BFE graduate walk by the bridal party table. I call out to him and tell him it's good to see him, you know, typical formalities. "V" then sets a record for making me feel awkward (not incredibly hard to do, but he did a remarkable job in a ridiculously short amount of time) by complaining about his girlfriend of 4 years while I can only assume hitting on me at the same time. Not shocking in most circumstances, but I seriously believe she was in earshot of most of the bashing. As if not enough to have me continuously sputter, "U-uhh... I'm so, um, sorry... She, um, she looks really nice... Well, umm... I'm really... I have to..." he switches the subject to my ex. We'll call him Stew. So, V relates that he's ready to kick Stew's ass for having the nerve to let his girlfiend (maybe I'm too liberal here with the term) cheat on her old .... fling (?) with him (him being Stew). Yeah, you following? Me neither. Also not sure why this is any of my concern noting the EX part of the label he now holds.
Cut to me still staring blankly what seems like an eternity later while my date shows up. (Also notable - date is strictly platonic friend from high school employment.) I scurry away from the conversation I never cared to hear about in the first place in hopes of safe sanctuary. We sit next to the bar for obvious reasons while I complain about the incident he just walked in on. Date then decides it's imperative to detail how I was cheated on by Stew by the girl he (he being date) was sleeping with at the same time back in the winter of 2006/2007. This is incredibly sweet of him to tell me now... Now being a year and a half after having Stew move into my apartment and a year after dumping Stew and kicking him out. (My relationship with Stew was wildly successful.) This information leaves me disgusted, and disgusted by all three involved - date, Stew, and the hooker who was supposedly doing both and telling date about exploits with someone else's 'boy'.
I drink a lot more. I'm now double fisting. Happy friggin birthday.
One hour later: I've been asked out on a real date by date, only after he's told me about how he only bangs women from ages 35-43. This is a very drastic change from the barely legal ass (hooker included) that he picked up fresh out of high school last year and the year before. I'm quite offended... For so many reasons.
Parents come to pick my not-nearly-drunk-enough ass up at 11:00. Have I said this is my birthday yet? Should have done shots...
In bed by midnight, after my mommy shoved half a pack of Tums down my throat to prevent heartburn from my 32 screwdrivers. [Please note URL name.]
Now to deal with the aftermath:
1. V's little tid bit - texted Stew to detail the fun I had the night before and to let him know, you know, just in case he cared... After further discussion, it appears that V's friend is just really caught up about his piece handing it off to someone else. Leads me to the post's title: pursuing war in place of former love, or just love making. Hell, we're all adults here, it was probably just fucking.
(Let the record show I am thoroughly disturbed that Stew has picked this piece o' ass to follow our relationship. I am positive I'm on a much higher level than this bia. Even if he is on her level, he could have at least tried to do better...)
2. Date's ridiculously late tattling - also discussed with Stew the possibility of Miss Barely Legal banging both date and Stew at the same time, of course with her being the side dish to myself as main course (optimism as a first). Decided whatever Stew said isn't really trustworthy anymore, therefore not admissible to my little mock hearing. Had to use rational thought to declare Stew was far too busy in our honeymoon stage of our relationship to have possibly had enough time to bang her. But, I can't totally dismiss the possibility, but should it carry any truth, well, that's just plain amazing. I've decided that Barely Legal has an agenda, as well as my date. The agenda? Well, I'm pretty freakin hot, and Stew appeals to those in the Jr. High and High School settings, so it only makes sense...
CONCLUSION:
Everyone in the Ohio Valley sleeps with everyone else in the Ohio Valley. You know that game where you have people in a group stand up to demonstrate who's slept with who? Oh you had to have played it in sex ed. Stacy slept with Peter who slept with these three skanks, who each slept with the whole football team, at least, and so on, so basically, everyone in the room has some how had a sexual degree of separation with everyone else in the room? That, my friends, seems to be the Ohio Valley in a nutshell. I'm not knocking, I'm obviously a part of the incestuous ways as I did attend high school in the fuck-fest. I'm just letting you know why I am the way I am. I thought it was normal for about 19 years and I've only been out for 4... Can't expect miracles here, people.
Onnnnnnnnn that note, I'm off to get tested. :)
-M
I am from small-town-USA. We didn't even have a stop light in the town I lived in during high school, and our high school was made up of 42 similar towns. Despite the consolidation, I still graduated with only about 120 kids. Booming metropolis, obvi.
Two of the kids I graduated with, who never dated in high school (most would go so far say they strongly disliked each other), recently got engaged and decided to follow through with a marriage. The bride-elect was my best friend from high school and asked that I be a bridesmaid. This was what I spent my last weekend (also my birthday) doing.
Also notable that I NEVER go home to visit. Ever. It's not that I think I'm too good because I moved away, I'm clearly not too stuck up if I go and create a blog named "How to Disappoint Mom". The truth? I never really fit in. I sure as hell tried though... Yikes. ANYways......
Enough with the background and on to my fun birthday!
I'm at the reception for about 30 minutes, just got done eating when I see a fellow BFE graduate walk by the bridal party table. I call out to him and tell him it's good to see him, you know, typical formalities. "V" then sets a record for making me feel awkward (not incredibly hard to do, but he did a remarkable job in a ridiculously short amount of time) by complaining about his girlfriend of 4 years while I can only assume hitting on me at the same time. Not shocking in most circumstances, but I seriously believe she was in earshot of most of the bashing. As if not enough to have me continuously sputter, "U-uhh... I'm so, um, sorry... She, um, she looks really nice... Well, umm... I'm really... I have to..." he switches the subject to my ex. We'll call him Stew. So, V relates that he's ready to kick Stew's ass for having the nerve to let his girlfiend (maybe I'm too liberal here with the term) cheat on her old .... fling (?) with him (him being Stew). Yeah, you following? Me neither. Also not sure why this is any of my concern noting the EX part of the label he now holds.
Cut to me still staring blankly what seems like an eternity later while my date shows up. (Also notable - date is strictly platonic friend from high school employment.) I scurry away from the conversation I never cared to hear about in the first place in hopes of safe sanctuary. We sit next to the bar for obvious reasons while I complain about the incident he just walked in on. Date then decides it's imperative to detail how I was cheated on by Stew by the girl he (he being date) was sleeping with at the same time back in the winter of 2006/2007. This is incredibly sweet of him to tell me now... Now being a year and a half after having Stew move into my apartment and a year after dumping Stew and kicking him out. (My relationship with Stew was wildly successful.) This information leaves me disgusted, and disgusted by all three involved - date, Stew, and the hooker who was supposedly doing both and telling date about exploits with someone else's 'boy'.
I drink a lot more. I'm now double fisting. Happy friggin birthday.
One hour later: I've been asked out on a real date by date, only after he's told me about how he only bangs women from ages 35-43. This is a very drastic change from the barely legal ass (hooker included) that he picked up fresh out of high school last year and the year before. I'm quite offended... For so many reasons.
Parents come to pick my not-nearly-drunk-enough ass up at 11:00. Have I said this is my birthday yet? Should have done shots...
In bed by midnight, after my mommy shoved half a pack of Tums down my throat to prevent heartburn from my 32 screwdrivers. [Please note URL name.]
Now to deal with the aftermath:
1. V's little tid bit - texted Stew to detail the fun I had the night before and to let him know, you know, just in case he cared... After further discussion, it appears that V's friend is just really caught up about his piece handing it off to someone else. Leads me to the post's title: pursuing war in place of former love, or just love making. Hell, we're all adults here, it was probably just fucking.
(Let the record show I am thoroughly disturbed that Stew has picked this piece o' ass to follow our relationship. I am positive I'm on a much higher level than this bia. Even if he is on her level, he could have at least tried to do better...)
2. Date's ridiculously late tattling - also discussed with Stew the possibility of Miss Barely Legal banging both date and Stew at the same time, of course with her being the side dish to myself as main course (optimism as a first). Decided whatever Stew said isn't really trustworthy anymore, therefore not admissible to my little mock hearing. Had to use rational thought to declare Stew was far too busy in our honeymoon stage of our relationship to have possibly had enough time to bang her. But, I can't totally dismiss the possibility, but should it carry any truth, well, that's just plain amazing. I've decided that Barely Legal has an agenda, as well as my date. The agenda? Well, I'm pretty freakin hot, and Stew appeals to those in the Jr. High and High School settings, so it only makes sense...
CONCLUSION:
Everyone in the Ohio Valley sleeps with everyone else in the Ohio Valley. You know that game where you have people in a group stand up to demonstrate who's slept with who? Oh you had to have played it in sex ed. Stacy slept with Peter who slept with these three skanks, who each slept with the whole football team, at least, and so on, so basically, everyone in the room has some how had a sexual degree of separation with everyone else in the room? That, my friends, seems to be the Ohio Valley in a nutshell. I'm not knocking, I'm obviously a part of the incestuous ways as I did attend high school in the fuck-fest. I'm just letting you know why I am the way I am. I thought it was normal for about 19 years and I've only been out for 4... Can't expect miracles here, people.
Onnnnnnnnn that note, I'm off to get tested. :)
-M
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Getting started...
Here goes a little more than nothing, as setting this up was so difficult and all. I'm incredibly tired after my blast of a birthday weekend, which was second in priority to being a bridesmaid (think I failed that test miserably - more about that fun fest to come).
So, I guess losing my blogging virginity is going to be about as quick and awkward as most virginities go... Let's just hope my entries get better... not to mention longer and smoother (can't promise any orgasms, though ;) ).
Catch you on the flip side,
M
So, I guess losing my blogging virginity is going to be about as quick and awkward as most virginities go... Let's just hope my entries get better... not to mention longer and smoother (can't promise any orgasms, though ;) ).
Catch you on the flip side,
M
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