All's Fair

Let me start by explaining the background story:

I am from small-town-USA. We didn't even have a stop light in the town I lived in during high school, and our high school was made up of 42 similar towns. Despite the consolidation, I still graduated with only about 120 kids. Booming metropolis, obvi.

Two of the kids I graduated with, who never dated in high school (most would go so far say they strongly disliked each other), recently got engaged and decided to follow through with a marriage. The bride-elect was my best friend from high school and asked that I be a bridesmaid. This was what I spent my last weekend (also my birthday) doing.

Also notable that I NEVER go home to visit. Ever. It's not that I think I'm too good because I moved away, I'm clearly not too stuck up if I go and create a blog named "How to Disappoint Mom". The truth? I never really fit in. I sure as hell tried though... Yikes. ANYways......

Enough with the background and on to my fun birthday!

I'm at the reception for about 30 minutes, just got done eating when I see a fellow BFE graduate walk by the bridal party table. I call out to him and tell him it's good to see him, you know, typical formalities. "V" then sets a record for making me feel awkward (not incredibly hard to do, but he did a remarkable job in a ridiculously short amount of time) by complaining about his girlfriend of 4 years while I can only assume hitting on me at the same time. Not shocking in most circumstances, but I seriously believe she was in earshot of most of the bashing. As if not enough to have me continuously sputter, "U-uhh... I'm so, um, sorry... She, um, she looks really nice... Well, umm... I'm really... I have to..." he switches the subject to my ex. We'll call him Stew. So, V relates that he's ready to kick Stew's ass for having the nerve to let his girlfiend (maybe I'm too liberal here with the term) cheat on her old .... fling (?) with him (him being Stew). Yeah, you following? Me neither. Also not sure why this is any of my concern noting the EX part of the label he now holds.

Cut to me still staring blankly what seems like an eternity later while my date shows up. (Also notable - date is strictly platonic friend from high school employment.) I scurry away from the conversation I never cared to hear about in the first place in hopes of safe sanctuary. We sit next to the bar for obvious reasons while I complain about the incident he just walked in on. Date then decides it's imperative to detail how I was cheated on by Stew by the girl he (he being date) was sleeping with at the same time back in the winter of 2006/2007. This is incredibly sweet of him to tell me now... Now being a year and a half after having Stew move into my apartment and a year after dumping Stew and kicking him out. (My relationship with Stew was wildly successful.) This information leaves me disgusted, and disgusted by all three involved - date, Stew, and the hooker who was supposedly doing both and telling date about exploits with someone else's 'boy'.

I drink a lot more. I'm now double fisting. Happy friggin birthday.

One hour later: I've been asked out on a real date by date, only after he's told me about how he only bangs women from ages 35-43. This is a very drastic change from the barely legal ass (hooker included) that he picked up fresh out of high school last year and the year before. I'm quite offended... For so many reasons.

Parents come to pick my not-nearly-drunk-enough ass up at 11:00. Have I said this is my birthday yet? Should have done shots...

In bed by midnight, after my mommy shoved half a pack of Tums down my throat to prevent heartburn from my 32 screwdrivers. [Please note URL name.]

Now to deal with the aftermath:

1. V's little tid bit - texted Stew to detail the fun I had the night before and to let him know, you know, just in case he cared... After further discussion, it appears that V's friend is just really caught up about his piece handing it off to someone else. Leads me to the post's title: pursuing war in place of former love, or just love making. Hell, we're all adults here, it was probably just fucking.
(Let the record show I am thoroughly disturbed that Stew has picked this piece o' ass to follow our relationship. I am positive I'm on a much higher level than this bia. Even if he is on her level, he could have at least tried to do better...)

2. Date's ridiculously late tattling - also discussed with Stew the possibility of Miss Barely Legal banging both date and Stew at the same time, of course with her being the side dish to myself as main course (optimism as a first). Decided whatever Stew said isn't really trustworthy anymore, therefore not admissible to my little mock hearing. Had to use rational thought to declare Stew was far too busy in our honeymoon stage of our relationship to have possibly had enough time to bang her. But, I can't totally dismiss the possibility, but should it carry any truth, well, that's just plain amazing. I've decided that Barely Legal has an agenda, as well as my date. The agenda? Well, I'm pretty freakin hot, and Stew appeals to those in the Jr. High and High School settings, so it only makes sense...

CONCLUSION:

Everyone in the Ohio Valley sleeps with everyone else in the Ohio Valley. You know that game where you have people in a group stand up to demonstrate who's slept with who? Oh you had to have played it in sex ed. Stacy slept with Peter who slept with these three skanks, who each slept with the whole football team, at least, and so on, so basically, everyone in the room has some how had a sexual degree of separation with everyone else in the room? That, my friends, seems to be the Ohio Valley in a nutshell. I'm not knocking, I'm obviously a part of the incestuous ways as I did attend high school in the fuck-fest. I'm just letting you know why I am the way I am. I thought it was normal for about 19 years and I've only been out for 4... Can't expect miracles here, people.

Onnnnnnnnn that note, I'm off to get tested. :)

-M